I’ve been a busy bee of late, and of course, my blog has suffered. To my 15 oscillating readers, I apologise, and let’s agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder and as a result anything I write will seem vastly superior to if I had churned out blog posts on a prolific basis.
Actually, in between overseas trips, two weddings and completing a creative writing course, I’ve been addicted to Ben Pobjie’s My Kitchen Rules episode recaps (you can find them at the Sydney Morning Herald). Seriously – why should I blog when he is already the funniest person ever? Also, I love Manu. There, I said it. And I’m not ashamed.
In March I flew to Malaysia, then to Brisbane and attended two beautiful weddings. I also took 7 sleeping pills, spent plenty of pennies, ate at least a whole roast chicken, 25 fried canapes and drank a carton of champagne, but who’s counting? If I were to tally up my partner’s activities during the same period, it would be: he did 20 loads of dishes, 15 loads of washing and 4 extra vacuums.
Sounds fair to me.
Shopping in Malaysian Chinatown
Me: (gesturing to shoes) Do you have any of the pink ones?
Market stall owner: Pink, yes.
Me: In a size 11?
Market stall owner: No! No! *looks down* Oh. Big foot.
My friend: Yes, that’s right. Bigfoot. Jess, I told you that sex change operation would work against you.
Market stall owner: Hahaha.
Friend: Shhhh, Bigfoot.
Sharing at creative writing class
Tutor: Okay everyone, you’re paired up and now you can share the piece you just wrote with your partner.
Partner: You go first!
Me: Ok! (reads writing piece) Your turn!
Partner: (bursts into tears)
Tutor: What’s going on here?
Me: I don’t think she liked it.
Me: You really enjoy Big Bang Theory don’t you babe?
Boyfriend: Yes but it’s not that.
Me: No? You’re watching intently.
Boyfriend: (sighs) I just love Sheldon’s clothes folding machine.
Proper use of prescribed sleeping pills
Chemist: Be very careful with these, only take one and don’t use them for longer than ten days.
Me: Absolutely, I wouldn’t dream of it.
*on the plane*
Me: To the land of Nod! *swallows 3 sleeping pills*
*12 hours later*
Bride at destination wedding: Jess, are you ok? You look.. a bit… out of it.
Me: Shurhs bshh fsshh ka.
Giving speeches at weddings
Me: Dammit! I forgot to bring the speech with me.
Friend: Jess, you had one job…