brisbane / lifestyle / social

April vignettes

MaryLou's taste in men worries me.

MaryLou’s taste in men worries me.

So, April was a super busy month. I was lucky to enjoy a visit from my mum, who I only see a couple of times a year. A stay with her usually inspires a few cracker conversations. While she lives on the beach in New South Wales (with my Dad), she loves to travel to Brisbane to see the kids “at least once a year, darling”, without him.

So hot off the back of Easter, I joined a running club (yes, direct correlation), enjoyed some social activity, then recovered on Anzac Day. Plus, you know, work, I guess. Rather than actually write about it, I decided to do a series of lazy vignettes. Let’s face it, most of my blogs are extended bullet lists anyway.

I just really, really love lists.

***

How you know you’ve met The One

Mum: When I saw your father leaning up against that yellow peugeot in his maroon Crimplene trousers, I knew he was for me.

Me: What’s Crimplene?

Mum: It was nylon, a new invention at the time! He had a pair in teal as well.

***

Missing your loved ones

Mum: *sips from whisky glass*: Oh I miss him!

Me: Dad?

Mum: No, I meant Toby (the dog).

***

Lunch party conversation

Mum *announces to the table*: Jessie and I could definitely win My Kitchen Rules together!

Me: Thanks MaryLou!

Mum *reconsiders*: Although, maybe not. Your Dad takes enough of your crap, I probably don’t need to as well.

Me: Oh.

***

How to impress on a date

Me (getting into kayak): I know I’ve never kayaked before, but I’m going to dominate this.

*15 minutes later, kayak flips over*

Me (flailing): Hellllllp!

***

How to impress on a date part II

Date: Let’s go for a drink!

Me *dripping*: Ok!

Date: I’ll just go get changed.

Me: *dripping*: Huh?

Date: I brought a change of clothes for after the kayaking. Didn’t you?

Me: *dripping*: No. Why would I?

Date: *silence*

Me *dripping*: I take your point.

***

Sexual politics

Friend: So, I went to this guy’s place thinking we were going to hook up…

Me: And?

Friend: And, uh, we ended up going to high tea. We ate scones. In Nundah.

Me: Oh. That’s the least sexy date I can think of.

Friend: Then we went back to his place…

Me: And?!

Friend: We watched Parliament’s question time.

Me: Oh. Standing corrected.

***

International relations

(Anzac Day, walking to the river)

German tourist: Hello! Can you please tell me how to get to the ferry at riverside?

Me: Sure, I’m going to riverside. You can walk with me if you want?

German tourist: Thank you!

Me: Where in Germany are you from?

German tourist: Hanover. Do you know it?

Me: I’ve heard of it, but I haven’t been there.

(2 Anzac fighter jets fly over)

German tourist: What is that for?

Me: Um. Well. This is awkward.

***

Staying professional in meetings

Work colleague: I ate horse once. In Japan. Raw, thinly sliced horse.

Me: Bleurgh.

Second work colleague to first colleague: Did you try the whale’s penis?

Me: Bleurghhh what?!

Second work colleague: Apparently it’s a delicacy.

First work colleague: Aah, no I didn’t.

*silence*

Boss, pondering: I wonder if it would be big enough to feed 8 people?

Third work colleague: It would be embarrassing if it only fed 2 or 3.

***

Making new friends at run club

Run club trainer: Morning Jess! Welcome!

Me: Getting up at 5am sucks. How far are we running?

Run club trainer: 8 kilometres!

Me: What?! You didn’t tell me that! I’m putting my earphones in.

Run club trainer: You might want to take them out – you don’t know the route.

Me: It’ll be fine.

*30 minutes later*

Run club participants: Jess! YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY! TAKE YOUR EARPHONES OUT! TURN AROUND!

Me: *runs wrong way*.

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