So, April was a super busy month. I was lucky to enjoy a visit from my mum, who I only see a couple of times a year. A stay with her usually inspires a few cracker conversations. While she lives on the beach in New South Wales (with my Dad), she loves to travel to Brisbane to see the kids “at least once a year, darling”, without him.
So hot off the back of Easter, I joined a running club (yes, direct correlation), enjoyed some social activity, then recovered on Anzac Day. Plus, you know, work, I guess. Rather than actually write about it, I decided to do a series of lazy vignettes. Let’s face it, most of my blogs are extended bullet lists anyway.
I just really, really love lists.
How you know you’ve met The One
Mum: When I saw your father leaning up against that yellow peugeot in his maroon Crimplene trousers, I knew he was for me.
Me: What’s Crimplene?
Mum: It was nylon, a new invention at the time! He had a pair in teal as well.
Missing your loved ones
Mum: *sips from whisky glass*: Oh I miss him!
Mum: No, I meant Toby (the dog).
Lunch party conversation
Mum *announces to the table*: Jessie and I could definitely win My Kitchen Rules together!
Me: Thanks MaryLou!
Mum *reconsiders*: Although, maybe not. Your Dad takes enough of your crap, I probably don’t need to as well.
How to impress on a date
Me (getting into kayak): I know I’ve never kayaked before, but I’m going to dominate this.
*15 minutes later, kayak flips over*
Me (flailing): Hellllllp!
How to impress on a date part II
Date: Let’s go for a drink!
Me *dripping*: Ok!
Date: I’ll just go get changed.
Me: *dripping*: Huh?
Date: I brought a change of clothes for after the kayaking. Didn’t you?
Me: *dripping*: No. Why would I?
Me *dripping*: I take your point.
Friend: So, I went to this guy’s place thinking we were going to hook up…
Friend: And, uh, we ended up going to high tea. We ate scones. In Nundah.
Me: Oh. That’s the least sexy date I can think of.
Friend: Then we went back to his place…
Friend: We watched Parliament’s question time.
Me: Oh. Standing corrected.
(Anzac Day, walking to the river)
German tourist: Hello! Can you please tell me how to get to the ferry at riverside?
Me: Sure, I’m going to riverside. You can walk with me if you want?
German tourist: Thank you!
Me: Where in Germany are you from?
German tourist: Hanover. Do you know it?
Me: I’ve heard of it, but I haven’t been there.
(2 Anzac fighter jets fly over)
German tourist: What is that for?
Me: Um. Well. This is awkward.
Staying professional in meetings
Work colleague: I ate horse once. In Japan. Raw, thinly sliced horse.
Second work colleague to first colleague: Did you try the whale’s penis?
Me: Bleurghhh what?!
Second work colleague: Apparently it’s a delicacy.
First work colleague: Aah, no I didn’t.
Boss, pondering: I wonder if it would be big enough to feed 8 people?
Third work colleague: It would be embarrassing if it only fed 2 or 3.
Making new friends at run club
Run club trainer: Morning Jess! Welcome!
Me: Getting up at 5am sucks. How far are we running?
Run club trainer: 8 kilometres!
Me: What?! You didn’t tell me that! I’m putting my earphones in.
Run club trainer: You might want to take them out – you don’t know the route.
Me: It’ll be fine.
*30 minutes later*
Run club participants: Jess! YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY! TAKE YOUR EARPHONES OUT! TURN AROUND!
Me: *runs wrong way*.